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May 08, 2006
The kitchen is no place for bad genitalia puns.
I just iTuned the first two episodes of Top Chef because I am a teevee troglodyte and have no DVR. I am old and lame and must be shot for dog chow.
The first episode featured a tragically insane Irish guy. Slap my ass and call me Erin, but I love hot, insane Irish boys. They will drink all your whisky and fingerbang your roommate while you've ducked out for a smoke, but the accent! I swoon! But this guy was crazy, even by Crazy Irish Boy standards. He struck me as the kind of guy who picks fights in the DMV line. I bet he carries nunchucks. Is that how you spell nunchucks? I dated a guy once who carried ninja stars. To, like, the movies and community college. Not a lot of ninja battles going down in the cineplex, but he liked to roll prepared.
Second episode featured the now-infamous sex shoppe hott dessert challenge. But omigod we are not pastry chefs! Heavens!
Stephen created some froofy orchid-topped champers situation [correction: appears to be little more than a schmancy jello shot. -- Ed.] that was probably blessed by Tinkerbell and infused with carmelized princess fingernail clippings. But he looked genuinely puzzled with the whole "sex" concept. He called his dish a Bubbling Orgasm, but I'm halfway convinced he had to look the term up, making that patented eye-squint/cocked head look of puzzlement. What is this sex thing you speak of? I put my hoo hoo in someone's ha ha? Fellatio - is that the next trendy Italian wine region? Bless his cufflinks, someone help that kid get laid ... man, woman, mineral, vegetable, whatever. Harold?
What the fuck kind of dog biscuit did Tiffani string onto those twine necklaces? I'm just not sure how you can be 28 years old and a professional in the kitchen and not know how to bake a damn cookie. I'm sure she is the Chuck Norris of the Kenmore Elite Kitchen and all, fueling all of the ovens by the fire of her laserbeam fingertips, but it's a damn cookie, lady. Even I can make one. At least she didn't give it some cringetastic nickname like Colon Blowing Ballsacks or Lick My Titties. Some of the dish names ... a little, how do you say, on the nose? Big points to Lee Anne for classing it up a bit, though the bar was set pretty low by the time Chunk came out shaking his belly fur.
Harold handmaking ice cream - awesome. Even more awesome was Top Dick Colicchio pointing out the ice cream maker to the cameras, sporting the biggest shit-eating grin. I can respect his sadism, because any opportunity to torture reality show contestants should be exploited to its fullest. I'm surprised he didn't make Candice cover herself in Grand Marnier flavored whipped cream and serve herself as dessert. Come to think of it, bitch should have thought of that herself, her cake was a goddamned mess. Why aren't there more model/chefs? Is this maybe a question that answers itself?
Further gratuitous Harold commentary: sleeveless black t-shirt? Hot. Though I hope those white shoes were, like, regulation uniform shoes or something. They looked orthopedic to me. I should know. I wore orthopedic shoes until kindergarten. What the fuck, I was pigeontoed. But I never wore them into a sex shop, or paired them with a hot sleeveless number that makes me look like the oldest boy left in high school, the one with the Z-28 and the substitute teacher's phone number, you know the guy who'd been shaving, or not, for so long he no longer fronted the ratstache just to prove he could, preferring to graduate to a three-o'clock shadow that gave your face a particular flavor of rug burn that betrayed your afterschool activities to your parents who angrily whispered things like "juvie" and "Outward Bound" after they thought you'd gone to bed. God, where did I put my Guns 'n' Roses album?
Posted by eek at May 8, 2006 01:05 AM
Comments
I don't know the iTune or the DVR, so have no fear...I am right there! I never saw the first episode. One day, a Top Chef marathon will be calling us. Mmmm, Harold.
Posted by: Pppppinny. at May 8, 2006 08:45 AM
Fingerbanging and nunchucks, all in one post. This blog ROCKS!
Posted by: sac at May 8, 2006 12:49 PM
This post was on fire and I don't even watch the damn show. Thanks, you just brightened up my morning.
Posted by: monkey at May 8, 2006 01:30 PM
Those shoes were probably chef clog things. They're usually Danskos and look hideous and chunky but god do they make your feet feel slightly better. At least some of the girly shoes are prettier.
And Happy Harold.
That hot Irishman was just crazy. Hot but insane. Sigh. Aren't they all.
Posted by: Yankintexas at May 8, 2006 01:39 PM
I guess if you usually wear whites, that explains the nursing shoes. Pity the fool who ends up having to wear them with jeans, though. For that reason alone I suggest always keeping a pair in black. You know, in case some robot trophy wife makes you hand out dessert at a fetish party.
I'm sure the Well-Dressed Librarian would agree.
Posted by: eek at May 8, 2006 01:58 PM
The boy has them in black. Cleaned up they sort of work as dress shoes. I don't know why he had white ones- they would get so dirty!
Posted by: Yankintexas at May 9, 2006 04:08 PM
... and I have a nagging suspicion that the episode was filmed after Labor Day. Horrors!
Posted by: eek at May 9, 2006 04:26 PM
Oh, is Kenneth going to be on the reunion show? Cool if he is. He makes Stephen seem normal.
Posted by: Drive By Commenter at May 10, 2006 05:27 PM
Yes, Kenneth will be on the reunion show. On the clip Bravo posted on their site, he's calling bullshit on Tiffani's claim to respect and love all.
I am looking forward to a drunken brawl.
I think I spied flip flops on Harold.
Posted by: eek at May 10, 2006 05:58 PM
Just saw the show. I was right. Stephen was actually contrite. Kenneth acted like the jerk that he is.
Posted by: Drive By Commenter at May 10, 2006 11:30 PM
Ken was funny, actually. I mean, what did he have to lose? He threw a water bottle at Tiffani and called her a "shittin' liar," which was pretty damn funny from where I sat.
Stephen was awesome. He was playing the whole time, I think. His whole Top Sommelier act just got away from him. If they pull a Harold and Kumar sequel, he should have a cameo.
Posted by: eek at May 11, 2006 12:31 AM